Evolving Relationships
In the 21st Century

Article Two

Preparing for Relationship
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Jay Whitham and Wendy Nethersole co-founded The Anam Cara Foundation in 2000.

The Foundation is dedicated to helping people to become clear about their true identity and purpose, and integrate that into the essence of their lives.

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Wholeness: Preparing for Relationship

Whether we are currently in a committed love relationship or not, we need to honestly assess what we desire to create with respect to a relationship in our lives. There is a great deal of pressure in our western culture to partner and be in relationship. While this may be the desire and choice for most, it is by no means the only choice. After much soul searching, we may find we are happiest and in harmony with our life path living alone.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

The one constant that we take with us into every relationship we have is our self. We are also the only one whose personal work we can do. When we aspire to a deep fulfilling relationship, a visioned relationship, whether we are seeking to elevate an existing relationship or to manifest a new one, we must take stock of who we are, what we want from, and what we bring to a relationship. If previous relationships have not sustained and grown to reflect what we desire in a relationship then it seems reasonable to ponder what we have learned and how we have changed and grown, if in fact we have, before moving into a new relationship.

Taking personal responsibility for our lives is a critical first step that we must all take as we open to the awareness that we are powerful co-creators of our lives. This is the essential element in living successfully, powerfully, and compassionately, regardless of circumstances, relationships, or situations. When we explore what allows a relationship to move to the level where it really works, where it truly supports and delights each person, we find that it starts with the degree of wholeness experienced by each partner.

When we come to a relationship less than whole and complete in our self; not clear about "who we truly are," then it is natural to seek something or someone to fill this empty place inside. We know it is there, we can feel it when we are being honest with ourselves, but because we are not sure what to do about it we have tended throughout our life to seek other people to help us fill it.

The problem with this view is that it is inherently self-sabotaging. Every human being in our world is born a whole, perfect, and complete expression of Source. Whether you experience Source as God, Buddha, Gaia, Higher Power, Dao, or whatever form you choose, we are all part of the great whole. In our essence we are never less than complete and perfect in that whole, even as the power of the free will we have been given shapes the way we are in the world and thus the expression of Source that we become in this life. When we start from a place where we fail to recognize this truth of wholeness and completeness, we then find ourselves seeking to gain our sense of completeness from our beloved. We have created a situation where no matter how willing our partner may be, or how much they try, they can not possibly succeed in making us complete. The truth is that we are already complete and any sense we have of being less than whole is due to errors and illusions we hold about ourselves. We can clear away these errors and illusions if we are willing to look at them and do our personal work, and when we do we create magnificent possibilities for ourselves.

Living a life of joy, fulfillment and happiness is possible, and being in a relationship that contributes to and sustains this level of contentment is possible. But in order to bring this about in our life we have to do our personal work and be willing to look at errors in belief we hold about our self and what core issues we have that keep us from experiencing our own wholeness. Once we have committed to looking deeply at these things within our self we can begin the process of healing and releasing them. When we are able to do that we are taking that deep level of personal responsibility that is the key to claiming and owning our immense personal power.

It is not necessary to have completed our process to begin bringing this beauty and goodness into our life. For many, the process of revealing, healing, and releasing the errors in belief and core issues we have lived with can be the work of a lifetime. But once we are willing to take responsibility for the condition of our life and are no longer seeking to have our completeness come from another person we are well on our way to being able to create the life and the relationship we desire. We are then able to recognize that when something doesn't feel right or seems to be not working in our life or our relationship regardless of how it appears, it is always about our self and not our beloved.

That's My Story and I'm Sticking to It

We have all had to face challenges in our lives. There are always patterns to the types of relationships, people, and situations we draw to us. The patterns are based on life experience, as well as our feelings about that experience which impacted what we came to believe about "the way it is." The experiences, combined with strong emotions present at the time, are energetically embedded as memories in the DNA of our cells. The vibration of the physical body is literally calibrated based on the beliefs we come to accept as our Truth. But more often than not they could more accurately be described as "errors in belief."

\Many of these errors in belief originate as patterns embedded as memories at a very early age when we are most dependent on others for our survival and basic needs, including love. We are literally given the story of who we are, what is good or not good about us, and how we fit, or do not fit, into the world. Very few of us are wise or astute enough at the age when we begin to receive this story to challenge it and so we accept it as true. Those that do challenge it quickly become labeled "difficult" or "willful" or worse, and the oppressive weight of our society's demand for conformity is brought down on them. For the rest of us, there is often a part of us that knows that what we are being told about who we are is not the truth. We hide that part away and dare not expose it often, if ever, for fear that we will be attacked for daring to be who we are instead of who we are "supposed" to be.

As children we want to be loved and accepted for who we are (not unlike the adults who are taking care of us). Our opinions of and beliefs about ourselves, our abilities, and self-esteem all developed as a result of these early experiences and what we were told by those we loved and depended on in our most formative years. These were generally parents, siblings or teachers, anyone who was significant in our lives. These people were not, in most cases, intentionally trying to hurt or mislead us. They were perpetuating the behaviors of their own experience. And until we learn otherwise, the child in us continues to trust and believe what they tell us. The child wants to please them.

The theme of our story is always connected to our core issues and most deeply held errors in belief.

The root of the many difficulties we have in learning about and being our Authentic Self, and the resulting difficulties in our relationships, are a consequence of having been told the story of who we are by others. Having been subject to the expectations of others, which we could never meet, we reject ourselves as a result. We then carry this same pattern into our relationships and set ourselves up for disaster by perpetuating the same pattern and projecting it onto our beloved.

The theme of our story becomes a part of our personal vibration or energetic signature in the Universe. We attract partners who will reflect what we believe and offer us a chance to heal ourselves by bringing us face to face with our challenge on a regular basis. In this way our stories play a major part in our relationships and the challenges that arise until these errors in belief are released and transformed. Generally, behind the theme of our story is a single "core belief" that drives the theme and story. Gaining awareness of this core belief with a new perspective changes our life.

Healing the "Core Belief"

Awareness of our core belief opens the door to understanding and transformation in our life. To be able to release the errors in belief we hold, we must first discover what they are. Then there must be an awareness of the patterns we have created and an understanding of how they are affecting our life now. This understanding will ultimately reveal itself to us at all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

The blessing of this new awareness comes as the errors in belief are released from the system. The cells of the body have a new vibration as the old patterns are released. In a very short time we will no longer attract this challenge to us because we have totally released the pattern or vibration that was attracting it in the first place. Even if a similar circumstance or relationship challenge should arise once these patterns and imprints are released, we find ourselves not reacting the way we would have and thus having the opportunity to choose to respond differently. When this happens it is because we are much more aware of our wholeness and perfection. When we clear away our errors in belief about who we are, what remains is the essence of who we are, the Authentic Self.

Accepting and Embracing All of Who You Are

Part of our healing process and path to wholeness includes our ability to embrace ourselves in every way. In essence, what we must learn is that if we seek to reject the parts of ourselves that we do not like (the parts we are working on but have not yet succeeded in changing or those that we despise so much we can not even acknowledge them to our conscious self) then we are trying to detach from parts of who we are. Not only is this not productive, it is not possible. The only way we can heal and correct those parts we do not like is to first embrace them and love them as being part of who we are. Only then can we honor them for what they have taught us, for how they have inspired us to become more masterful in our lives, and we can heal and release them because they no longer serve us. Then, and only then, do we have an opportunity to be free of them and to do so without trying to separate them from the whole—a fruitless task.

If we have not accepted responsibility for the condition of our life, and if we are not willing to commit to the work of becoming aware of our wholeness, then not only are we unlikely to manifest the quality of relationship we seek, we are unlikely to manifest the quality of life we seek. On the other hand, if we are able to come to our life and our relationship knowing our wholeness, even if we still struggle to experience it, we will not seek the impossible from our beloved. We can come to our relationship not needing anything, but desiring everything our beloved has to offer us and being able to accept that gift. Shifting what we give and what we receive from the level of demand, or need, to the level of joy, gratitude, and acceptance moves the essence of the relationship, and its possibilities, into realms we could previously only dream about.

The experience of wholeness that comes with healing and balance is the best preparation for attracting and sustaining the most loving and harmonious relationship that one can have; one that reflects our relationship with our own divine self. This is the relationship of the Anam Cara, the soul friend.

Finding Wholeness; the "Action Steps"

We have listed below "action steps" that can create a shift to balance and heal yourself, allowing you to fully realize your wholeness. In our next article, we will explore these action steps in more detail.

1. Make a soul level commitment to your personal and spiritual growth

To make this level of commitment, you must be willing to be honest and look deep within; to know and embrace who you are, "warts and all." Soul level commitments are personal commitments that are made at the cellular level and permeate your whole being, touching all aspects of your life. How is this commitment made? First, you must want it very deeply. You must be willing to surrender to the truth that there is something greater than yourself at work in the Universe. This surrender allows a space for redirection and newness, for the soul's evolution.

2. Heal your core belief

To heal the core belief and release the errors in belief that sustain it, it is instrumental to explore your "story," which will include all the ways you sabotage and block knowing who you are authentically. (We highly recommend reading Debbie Ford's book "The Secret of the Shadow" for a detailed description of how and why we create our stories and the part they play with the core belief in our lives.) The behavior patterns we exhibit that no longer serve us can be released through understanding the original event that imprinted into our cellular memory in the first place. Once the errors in belief are understood they can be cleared away, making room for that which is your true heart's desire.

3. Make a Sacred Covenant with yourself

Create a personal mission statement, a vision, a purpose, and intentions for your life. Do this in writing and speak them aloud. There is great power in the spoken and written word. Both help to create focused intention. This is important to create the vibrational shift for opportunities to come to you in alignment with your authentic self. Laurie Beth Jones has written a wonderful workbook for creation of a personal mission statement called "The Path," that can assist you in this process if you are trying to do this on your own. Additionally, we recommend Carol Adrienne's book "Find Your Purpose Change Your Life." You will be surprised at how quickly your life begins to change and transform once you create this clear expression of who you are and what you want in your life.

4. Be prepared!

The force you have invoked through your initial Soul Commitment and creation of a personal covenant is powerful and will begin to bring opportunities to you in alignment with your new vibration. You must pay attention and notice the synchronicity in your life. The Universe has many ways of sending "messages" to us. They may come in the form of books, a movie, or a conversation with a friend. And sometimes the message comes in the stillness within our being in a quiet moment of meditation or simple knowing.

5. Take personal responsibility

No matter what shows up, be willing to "own it" as your creation. Opportunities come in many disguises. What looks like an incredible challenge may simply be the Universe's way of creating a change of course for you. Opportunities offer us choices. Have the courage to make choices and follow through.

6. Be willing to ask for help Finally, we would urge you to ask for help along the way. Find a trusted and supportive friend or mentor, one that is empowering to you on your path. Learning is a life-long journey. Do not give up!

Anam Cara offers workshops to help facilitate the "action steps" listed here.

2005 Jay Whitham and Wendy Nethersole

For more information about individual and couples spiritual life counseling, workshops, and classes, please visit:


or e-mail anamcara@comcast.net

Telephone: 941 924-4756
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Editors note:

We are honored to have Jay and Wendy's participation and contributions to Pathfinders and look forward to learning of the ways our readers have benefited from their articles and guidance.
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